...De-stressing and internalizing

It's kind of tough to roll with the punches when you keep punching yourself in the face.

In other words, there is no way to go with the flow when your wounds are self-inflicted; because you'll just keep getting your ass kicked. By yourself. When other people have problems that you can't do anything about, it's usually better to go with the flow, but that's another blog, another time.

I just got word that I almost definitely have one of the most embarrassing diseases known to man, and that it's probably stress-related. Stress in the summer? I really am one backwards fuck. Even more so because I am barely working right now. Two days a week at Coney Island and looking for part-time work. Resume sent to the Katonah Arts Center and contemplating seeking work at the new Japanese restaurant in Bedford Hills 'cause I look Asian (hardy har har).

The past few days have been all about reading and failed motivation (I know I need to concentrate on effort more when I get too lazy to take a shower [don't worry it was only for a couple days]). I read Battle Royale and the epic comic epic, Bone. I kinda slid down in my seat as I finished the latter, thinking about how having no more to read would mean it was time for me to face my motivation problem again for the umpteenth time. So here I am - procrastinating, but facing it, in a way.


Back to my "disorder" - the doctor said there was no quick cure, but that exercising and eating right and all that crap that I know I should do but usually don't, might help.

Now, physical exercise and I have a long, conflict-filled history. I played soccer for like 8 years, gave it up, and then tried to pick it up again in high school, but failed. I played baseball for about 6 years, basketball for 4 and football for one intense year. I've played tennis on and off since I was about 8, playing on the high school team for 5 years (I was captain blahblahblah). I even played golf for a while. My tennis game is not what it once was but I'm trying to pick it back up again. So I was a total jock for most of my childhood.

At some point, though, I had a kind of epiphany - I think it came while I was at a competive sports camp for boys in Maine and realized that I probably wouldn't be able to go pro in basketball, soccer and baseball - ALL AT ONCE. And then I gradually realized that I didn't stand a chance going pro in any sport, even though I was pretty good at a few. Soon after this epiphany came the realization that I didn't really liked the stupid arguments and conflicts that arose from competitive sports (granted, I was like 12, so these things were obviously going to happen). Neither did I like being told what to do by a coach, or by anyone for that matter (and still don't). So I didn't go back to that camp the next year, and sports and I had a bit of a falling out.

At this point in my life (late middle school - high school), I was pretty anti-social as I had decided I would be able to steer clear of every pitfall known to man if I could only sever from every instance of human contact. Other than the internet, that is. You can see where this path leads - my physique, which I had taken for granted my entire life, went into a bit of a decline (not as much visually as aerobically) and I became a bit bitter and often depressed (mostly about little things). So that was a weird time for me.

Here I am today, a few years later: I have a somewhat functional social life, with a girlfriend from college and a close group of friends back home, but I can't run around like I used to. I've never been able to gain one thing without losing the other - and my mom seems to think that that's what is going on inside me - I fixed up my lungs and now my stomach and intestines have decided to attack each other. If it's not one thing...oh yeah, that's what I was talking about. So my mom and I were also talking about how I internalize things a lot, and I almost disagreed, but then had to laugh, knowing I just fell into a trap. I am more upfront with my girlfriend then I have been with anyone else in my entire life, other than my mom, at times. I think that maybe now that we don't see each other much, I've been subconsciously internalizing things I would usually be telling her. Of course, I usually have no idea what those things are since it's so subconscious, so dealing with them is pretty tough. Now I have a reason to take care of my health issues though, which is a start - the doctor told me to, and in this instance I am grateful someone has told me what to do.

Read...
Battle Royale, by Koushun Takami
Bone, by Jeff Smith
Blade of the Immortal
The Inevitable Japanese Experience
Nobody Knows: Yoshitomo Nara Drawings

Listen to...
The Cinematic Orchestra
Yann Tiersen
Jon Brion
The Bad Plus (!!)
*the alphabet - from Captain Beefheart to The Constantines

Watch...
Batman Begins
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Yojimbo
Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind
I Heart Huckabees (again)

...Motivation and inspiration

I have this problem.
I can't make things I want to make. Well, that's a lie - I can, but only in certain situations and it's generally not completely what i originally wanted it to be. See, it's not an issue of creativity - it's a problem of a) making physical products out of ideas i have and b) working up the motivation and inspiration to do it with the right energy. I have soooo many ideas in my head at any given time that sketching and fleshing them out is a really daunting task. granted, most of the ideas suck, but there are still a lot of them. it's for this reason that i sometimes get more done when i'm a little tired - I turn off my brain a bit. so that helps me get started, but making a work into something i like is a bit more difficult. i'm pretty tired now, so i'm not really thinking as i type, but i could not do something right now that i'd really appreciate tomorrow. but here i am rationalizing my own sloth - i haven't started a painting yet this summer and i keep saying i will. i helped Damian paint some things but I don't much count that as something I myself have done.

While I'm rationalizing, I may as well throw out the other thought about producing works - and that's what I've started to think of as something of a dreamer complex. When I visualize an idea in my head, it's clear in concept, but physically foggy. I'm sure a lot of people have this problem, and some probably just deem it normal, but it bothers me. I have this idea that seems crystal clear, but when i put it on paper i'm not sure where to begin; how it will look. It's the same as when I try to draw something I saw in a dream - it's always too foggy to come out correctly. Maybe i should just be doing all my work in photoshop and blurring it all. Now there's an idea.

In the end, if none of this stops me, I still have to have the inspiration to make the most out of my idea and the motivation to come through, which is possibly the hardest part, hearkening back all the way to elementary school. The irritating part is that when I'm busy and working on something I don't want to be doing, I feel as though I could rip out a million things I would like and still have energy left over. But when I'm just being lazy and not doing anything, starting, not to mention finishing something is near impossible for me. It's completely ridiculous. This is possibly the biggest problem I have right now, and it's tied into my inability to concentrate most of the time. In short, I'm just like everyone else from my generation. And yes, it bothers me.



watched...
Jumanji
Mighty Ducks
Grosse Pointe Blank
Can't Hardly Wait
(yes, it's been one of those days. and no, i don't feel like watching anything critically acclaimed again just yet.)
((and also yes, i realize that grosse pointe blank doesn't fit the profile here so well))

reading...
are you fuckin kidding me? but i'm gonna start Battle Royale the novel soon.
Also I've been reading Blade of the Immortal...which is pretty stock action, but has great artwork.

listening to...
everything ever alphabetically between Bright Eyes and Camper Von Beethoven.

...Concert-going

Concerts I've gone to so far this summer:

Spoon - 6/4 @ some place on south St in Philly
Mando Diao, The Sights - a little while ago @ The Bowery Ballroom

Future Possibilities:

The Coral - 6/9 @ The Bowery
Architecture in Helsinki - 6/13 @ Northsix / 6/12 @ The Knitting Factory
Richard Cheese - 6/15 @ The Bowery
The Bad Plus - 6/16 @ The Knitting Factory
Rogue Wave - 6/17 @ The Bowery
Iron & Wine - 6/16, 6/17 @ Webster Hall
Rhapsody - 6/19 @ BB King's
Eels - 6/30 @ Town Hall
The Aquabats - 7/1 @ BB King's
Bonobo - 7/6 @ Rothko
Do Make Say Think - 7/9 @ The Bowery
Rosykopp - 7/13 @ Irving Plaza
Calexico - 7/14 @ Castle Clinton National Monument
Sufjan Stevens - 8/19, 8/20 @ The Bowery

Realistically, I won't be going to most of these. Also, some are more because I have friends who are big fans of the band. Maybe Blogspot isnt the best place for a list like this...we'll see.

One cool city

I love Philadelphia. It's smaller and less pretentious than New York. It's got all the good parts of the city, without most of the shitty qualities. Parking is still a pain, but there's lots of cool stuff. I was only there for a little while so I only got to check out the South Street area, Chinatown, and the art museum (for a little while before it closed). But I can't wait to go back - it seems like a lot of fun.

Saturday night I saw Spoon with The Clientele and some other band I can't remember. The first band was no good and the Clientele were yawnworthy at best, but Spoon was amazing. They've got so many great songs and the vibe was pretty cool. The venue was a little rundown, but it got the job done. I really need to listen to Gimme Fiction some more. I don't really know what specifically to say about the show...they did a cool rendition of Paper Tiger and everyone sang along to The Way We Get By. I decided that the lead singer looks like a mousy version of Gary Busey.

...Robots and Rickenbackers

That's right - I'm talkin about that crazy nonsense anime/manga, FLCL ("Fooly Cooly" / "Furi Kuri"). I watched all six episodes of the anime not too long ago and just recently bought the first two volumes of the manga. I didn't think it was possible - but they are even more nonsensical than the TV version. FLCL makes all rational thought implode on itself, and then makes it dinner only to smash it in the head with a bass guitar midway through.

Here's a brief summary of the goings-on in Mabase, the crazy fucking town in which FLCL is set:
A boy named Naota has a dad and a grandpa who act like kids and an older brother who he looked up to, but moved to the US to be a star baseball player. His brother's old girlfriend, Mamimi, hangs around Naota all the time and clings to him. She also sets fire to everything in sight. Then there's Haruko - the pink-haired alien chick who runs over Naota with her Vespa, revives him by making out with him, and then bashes him in the head with her Rickenbacker. This Rickenbacker, which has a motor in it that Haruko has to rev before using it, has a special alien power - it creates a transdimensional portal in the person's head where it hits it, allowing things like huge robots to come through it, and oh do they ever! The first to come through is a big TV-headed robot who Haruko hits in the head like everyone else and makes an ally of, who they call Terebi-kun, or "TV Boy". Also, Naota's brain disappears and he possibly kills his father with a baseball bat.

Lots of crazy shit happens - the main themes being fucked up symbols for growing up and sexual maturity and things like that. Part of the most irking part of the anime and manga are that important plot points and explanations of things that are otherwise completely illogical are only mentioned in passing or in the background - or in little side panels in the manga. Also, insane pop culture references are made - like the opening of the first episode, which is a misquote of a 60s boxing manga. I didn't get to watch all of the commentary, but there seems to be a lot of stuff like that that I doubt even a knowledgeable Japanese would recognize.

That said, I fucking love it. The art in both versions is amazing, and stuff like Rickenbackers and Vespas are just so cool...most manga doesn't have anything anywhere near this cool in it. It's so unbelievably creative and unhinged, yet the art is still defined and controlled...this is the essence of what I am trying to achieve - controlled insanity: the great challenge.

...controlled insanity

I've recently realized (for the umpteenth time) that what I lack most in life is focus and therefore, control. Artwise, I can do uncontrolled insanity; crazy-looking abstractions that I don't really pay attention to while I do them. Control is where the challenge lies. In fact, it's ridiculously hard for me. I can do coloring books and the like - that's kinda what I was doing for Damian (who realized that he didn't really have shit for me to do as of right now, rendering me 89% unemployed. but it's cool.). I'd look at a photo and paint solid blocks of color as they looked in it. Not hard - didn't even take that much concentration. It was good observational practice for me, but it wasn't the kind of focus that's really difficult for me. I need to be able think crazy or outside the box or whatever you wanna call it, and be able to control that energy and put onto a canvas in a controlled manner. Easier said than done.

Additionally, I just remembered that part of my reason for creating this blog was to become a better and more interesting writer. Then I realized that I could really be blogging all the things I put as my away messages. To save for posterity. Or something. Eh, who knows. Anyway, I'm gonna blog again now. It could possibly be slightly more interesting.

...projects

I have yet to really get myself started on my own projects this summer. I work 3-5 days a week for around 5 hours a day for an artist in residence in Katonah named Damian Wagner and sporadically for an artist agency slash miscellaneous public art funding organization called Creative Time. Having the two jobs has kept me pretty busy some weeks and not at all for others. This week Damian was busy mixing his album and got sick, so I didn't end up working today. I haven't done anything with Creative Time since the Trip the Light Fantastic benefit. I may be working sometime soon on Coney Island again, helping set up the Dreamland Artists' Clubhouse with Steve Powers. I bought some painting supplies and should start work on some canvases soon. Or kill myself for being so god damn unmotivated.

projects:
-various paintings
-scrounge for wood panels for painting and graffiti
-begin graffiti
-various sketches and drawings
-get better with photoshop and/or other digital things and my tablet
-possibly play some music (unlikely)
-work on music library, look up bands on list
-watch movies on list
-look up artists on list
-continue to make list longer and therefore totally impossible to complete
-organize various files
-READ BOOKS (my attention span has been nonexistant as of late)
-learn more about Kyoto
-learn more about Japan's art scene
-blog periodically

I figure these goals aren't exactly a stretch, so doing it all before leaving for Tokyo should be no big deal.

In other news, I am highly aggravated by the fact that chapters from 142 up to 200-something of the Shaman King manga have not been translated into English. If I get even more desperate, I may try reading the French translations (I know, it's like Babelfish).