...De-stressing and internalizing

It's kind of tough to roll with the punches when you keep punching yourself in the face.

In other words, there is no way to go with the flow when your wounds are self-inflicted; because you'll just keep getting your ass kicked. By yourself. When other people have problems that you can't do anything about, it's usually better to go with the flow, but that's another blog, another time.

I just got word that I almost definitely have one of the most embarrassing diseases known to man, and that it's probably stress-related. Stress in the summer? I really am one backwards fuck. Even more so because I am barely working right now. Two days a week at Coney Island and looking for part-time work. Resume sent to the Katonah Arts Center and contemplating seeking work at the new Japanese restaurant in Bedford Hills 'cause I look Asian (hardy har har).

The past few days have been all about reading and failed motivation (I know I need to concentrate on effort more when I get too lazy to take a shower [don't worry it was only for a couple days]). I read Battle Royale and the epic comic epic, Bone. I kinda slid down in my seat as I finished the latter, thinking about how having no more to read would mean it was time for me to face my motivation problem again for the umpteenth time. So here I am - procrastinating, but facing it, in a way.


Back to my "disorder" - the doctor said there was no quick cure, but that exercising and eating right and all that crap that I know I should do but usually don't, might help.

Now, physical exercise and I have a long, conflict-filled history. I played soccer for like 8 years, gave it up, and then tried to pick it up again in high school, but failed. I played baseball for about 6 years, basketball for 4 and football for one intense year. I've played tennis on and off since I was about 8, playing on the high school team for 5 years (I was captain blahblahblah). I even played golf for a while. My tennis game is not what it once was but I'm trying to pick it back up again. So I was a total jock for most of my childhood.

At some point, though, I had a kind of epiphany - I think it came while I was at a competive sports camp for boys in Maine and realized that I probably wouldn't be able to go pro in basketball, soccer and baseball - ALL AT ONCE. And then I gradually realized that I didn't stand a chance going pro in any sport, even though I was pretty good at a few. Soon after this epiphany came the realization that I didn't really liked the stupid arguments and conflicts that arose from competitive sports (granted, I was like 12, so these things were obviously going to happen). Neither did I like being told what to do by a coach, or by anyone for that matter (and still don't). So I didn't go back to that camp the next year, and sports and I had a bit of a falling out.

At this point in my life (late middle school - high school), I was pretty anti-social as I had decided I would be able to steer clear of every pitfall known to man if I could only sever from every instance of human contact. Other than the internet, that is. You can see where this path leads - my physique, which I had taken for granted my entire life, went into a bit of a decline (not as much visually as aerobically) and I became a bit bitter and often depressed (mostly about little things). So that was a weird time for me.

Here I am today, a few years later: I have a somewhat functional social life, with a girlfriend from college and a close group of friends back home, but I can't run around like I used to. I've never been able to gain one thing without losing the other - and my mom seems to think that that's what is going on inside me - I fixed up my lungs and now my stomach and intestines have decided to attack each other. If it's not one thing...oh yeah, that's what I was talking about. So my mom and I were also talking about how I internalize things a lot, and I almost disagreed, but then had to laugh, knowing I just fell into a trap. I am more upfront with my girlfriend then I have been with anyone else in my entire life, other than my mom, at times. I think that maybe now that we don't see each other much, I've been subconsciously internalizing things I would usually be telling her. Of course, I usually have no idea what those things are since it's so subconscious, so dealing with them is pretty tough. Now I have a reason to take care of my health issues though, which is a start - the doctor told me to, and in this instance I am grateful someone has told me what to do.

Read...
Battle Royale, by Koushun Takami
Bone, by Jeff Smith
Blade of the Immortal
The Inevitable Japanese Experience
Nobody Knows: Yoshitomo Nara Drawings

Listen to...
The Cinematic Orchestra
Yann Tiersen
Jon Brion
The Bad Plus (!!)
*the alphabet - from Captain Beefheart to The Constantines

Watch...
Batman Begins
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Yojimbo
Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind
I Heart Huckabees (again)